#humor

Dudley had been accepted at Uncle Vernon's old private school, Smeltings...Harry, on the other hand, was going to Stonewall High, the local public high school. Dudley thought this was very funny. "They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall," he told Harry. "Want to come upstairs and practice?" "No, thanks," said Harry. "The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it - it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#funny

The wacky thing about those bad guys is that you can't count on them to be obvious. They forget to wax their mustaches and goatees, leave their horns at home, send their black hats to the dry cleaner's. They're funny like that. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#harry-dresden #humor #funny

The reason it’s hard for men to say “I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#language #love #men #reason #vocabulary

Yes, he is a man, so genetically he's engineered to be dense about many things, but he's not stupid. ↗

— Katie MacAlister

#men #stupid #humor

That shower thing was hilarious," he said when I finished. "It was irresponsible! Why can't anyone see that?" "But that bitch had it coming. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#humor

Throughout my academic career, I'd given some pretty good talks. But being considered the best speaker in the computer science department is like being known as the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs. ↗

— Randy Pausch

#humor

I’m not superstitious. I’m a witch. Witches aren’t superstitious. We are what people are superstitious of. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#philosophy #humor

Sadly, my socks are like snowflakes, no two are exactly alike. ↗

— Graham Parke

#science #humor

In the words of the philosopher Scepturn, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this? ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #medicine #money #humor

The alarm in the morning? Well, I have an old tape of Carlo Maria Giulini conducting the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra in a perfectly transcendent version in Shubert's seventh symphony. And I've rigged it up so that at exactly 7:30 every morning it falls from the ceiling onto my face. ↗

— Stephen Fry

#carlo-maria-giulini #humor #mornings #music #schubert