#humor

Anybody who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. ↗

— Leo Rosten

#children #humor #w-c-fields #humor

For every girl there is a guy out there waiting for you. But dont worry you will find your Prince in Shining Armor For every guy they are three girls looking forwards to finding you waiting. And when one of them find you, wether or not you like shes been looking for a long time and you better be a Prince in Shining Armor by then. So ladies you better pick up the pace you have two other girls looking for the same guy you are! And guys if your not a Prince in Shining Armor by then well... Good luck with that one ↗

— Kaleb Firestone

#humor

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

It was like there was some parallel universe we all vanished off to where we had all this sex. ↗

— Kazuo Ishiguro

#kathy #parallel #sex #universe #humor

Jiggery pokery!” said Harry in a fierce voice. “Hocus pocus — squiggly wiggly —” “MUUUUUUM!” howled Dudley, “He’s doing you know what! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#fantasy #humor #magic #humor

Emily smiled mischievously. "Your engagement was a rainy day occurrence? Afraid she would say no on a good day? ↗

— Devon Ashley

#humor #ordained #humor

Kelly looked at the cop, then sighed. “What a cluster. I take it you haven’t been killing young women and leaving their half-eaten bodies in the desert?” Adam was ticked. I could tell it even if he was looking like a reasonably calm businessman. Adam’s temper was the reason he wasn’t one of Bran’s werewolf poster boys. When angered, he often gave in to impulses he wouldn’t otherwise have given in to. “Sorry to disappoint you,” Adam told Kelly in silky tones. “But I prefer rabbits. Humans taste like pork.” And then he smiled. Kelly took an involuntary step backward. Tony gave Adam a sharp look. “Let’s not make things worse, if we can help it, gentlemen. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#humor #mercy-thompson #silver-borne #tastes-like-chicken #tony

Some breakfast food manufacturer hit upon the simple notion of emptying out the leavings of carthorse nose bags, adding a few other things like unconsumed portions of chicken layer's mash, and the sweepings of racing stables, packing the mixture in little bags and selling them in health food shops. ↗

— Frank Muir

#humor #food

I am older and have more control over my empathy,' said Qwan. 'That's why I didn't throw up.' And having said that, he threw up. ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#humor

Don't bite his face, Eleanor told herself. It's disturbing and needy and never happens in situation comedies or movies that end with big kisses. ↗

— Rainbow Rowell

#young-adult #humor