#humor

That cat was a spy. You had to take a pot shot at it. It was a very clever German midget dressed up in a cheap fur coat. ↗

— J.D. Salinger

#humor #humor

Never, ever ask a former clergyman to say the blessing over a holiday dinner. Not if you like your dinner warm, anyway. ↗

— Mary Kay Andrews

#humor

I spent the afternoon musing on Life. If you come to think of it, what a queer thing Life is! So unlike anything else, don't you know, if you see what I mean. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #life #pondering #humor

Lori sat way back in her chair and gave him the once-over. "What in the world's gotten into Ben Lawson? jokes? Flirting? Maybe I should sleep with Molly. I think she's got a magic hooha. ↗

— Victoria Dahl

#romance #humor

Hello, little girl," he said, which was only his first big mistake. "I'm sure you want to know all about hedgehogs, eh?" "I did this one last year," said Tiffany. The man looked closer, and his grin faded. "Oh, yes," he said. "I remember. You asked all those... little questions." "I would like a question answered today," said Tiffany. "Provided it's not one about how you get baby hedgehogs," said the man. "No," said Tiffany patiently. "It's about zoology." "Zoology, eh? That's a big word, isn't it." "No, actually it isn't," said Tiffany. "Patronizing is a big word. Zoology is really quite small. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

I like to make the odd impromptu visit. It keeps management on their toes, wives in their place. You know." He shrugs, his mouth set in an arrogant line. ↗

— E.L. James

#humor

Jace - "Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you'd get dressed up in a nurses outfit and give me a sponge bath?" "Actually, I think you misheard." Clay said. "It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath." Jace looked involuntarily over at Simon, who smiled at him widely. "As soon as I'm back on my feet, handsome." "I knew we should have left you as a rat." said Jace. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

Discretion prevented me from saying that I thought she was a fiend from the underworld and that mountain lions couldn't force me to enter her service. ↗

— Megan Whalen Turner

#humor #humor

Since I came to the White House, I've gotten two hearing aids, had a colon operation, a prostate operation, skin cancer, and I've been shot...damn thing is, I've never felt better. ↗

— Ronald Reagan

#operation #humor

Wow, she doesn't have any bones. Like, at all. Where the f*ck are her bones? Am I still drunk? Did I sleep with a blow-up doll? Again? I pealed my eyes open one at a time so the rays of sun shining in the room wouldn't make me go blind. Once my eyes adjusted to the light, I looked down and groaned. Nope, not drunk, just hugging a pillow. ↗

— Tara Sivec

#seduction-and-snacks #tara-sivec #humor