#humor

A blanket could be made of tuna fish skin, which would go well with my cottage cheese thighs.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Hang your merit. I don't seek anyone's approbation. ↗

— Fyodor Dostoyevsky

#approval #black-humor #disapproval #dishonesty #funny

Unless you're under 12 or into role playing, you shouldn't be wearing Mickey Mouse ears #AHOLE ↗

— Andy Ostrom

#disneyland #funny #humor #vacation #funny

My eyes have made a pact with my ears against my vulgar senses: urination is a holiday on the edge of a soothing lemonade waterfall. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #sensation #urination #funny

Going to jail is the failure of the individual to realize his limitations as a criminal. Recidivism is the failure of his friends to compensate for those limitations as a team. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #jail #prison #redicivism

The earth must be flat – there's a dunce in every corner of it I travel to. ↗

— Bauvard

#flat-earth #funny #humor #stupidity #funny

If you have an enemy, just shake his hand. Then he’ll be a sworn enemy. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #handshakes #humor #oaths #funny

Mister Dresden," he said. "And Miss Rodriguez, I believe. I didn't realize you were an art collector." "I am the foremost collector of velvet Elvii in the city of Chicago," I said at once. "Elvii?" Marcone inquired. "The plural could be Elvises, I guess," I said. "But if I say that too often, I start muttering to myself and calling things 'my precious,' so I usually go with the Latin plural. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#art

Now there's a girl I don't want to mess with' — or at least, that's what I would think if I had a chronic fear of freakishly nice people. ↗

— Nenia Campbell

#funny-and-random #humor #niceness #funny

Frogs. We all want their long tongues and jumping power, but aspiring superheroes rarely consider the benefits of growing up as sperm. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #growing-up #humor #sperm #funny