#humor

After all, what's good enough for Austen ought to be good enough for anyone. ↗

— Mary Ann Shaffer

#humor

As I sat in the hot, salty water, I thought, 'No wonder Mr. Bubble always gives me a urinary tract infection and hives.' Mr. Bubble was for common people. Mr. Bubble was for my so-called brother, their true child. I was a Vanderbilt. I should bathe in condiments and seasonings. ↗

— Augusten Burroughs

#humor

He looked as shocked as if I'd asked him to masturbate in front of me. ↗

— Dia Reeves

#humor

Let’s not mince words: the inside of the Sydney casino looks as if Vegas had an illegitimate child with Liberace’s underpants, and that child fell down a staircase and hit its head on the edge of a spade. ↗

— Steve Toltz

#insults #ugly #humor

Arik didn’t know how long he’d been in hell. Time was one never-ending, no-lube f&*k when you were in the dark and in agony. ↗

— Larissa Ione

#humor

On November 18 of alternate years Mr Earbrass begins writing 'his new novel'. Weeks ago he chose its title at random from a list of them he keeps in a little green note-book. It being tea-time of the 17th, he is alarmed not to have thought of a plot to which The Unstrung Harp might apply. ↗

— Edward Gorey

#writing #humor

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#humor #humor

I'm still convinced you're doing my GTO, you bastard. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor

Sometimes women just need to cry. ↗

— Colleen Hoover

#women #humor

You should have told her differently,' said Hermione, still with that maddeningly patient air. 'You should have said it was really annoying, but I'd made you promise to come along to the Three Broomsticks, and you really didn't want to go, you'd much rather spend the whole day with her, but unfortunately you thought you really ought to meet me and would she please, please come along with you, and hopefully you'd be able to get away more quickly? And it might have been a good idea to mention how ugly you think I am too,' Hermione added as an afterthought. 'But I don't think you're ugly,' said Harry, bemused. Hermione laughed. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#harry-potter #hermione-granger #humor #order-of-the-phoenix #humor