#humor

Honesty is always good, except when it's better to lie. ↗

— James Patterson

#humor #humor

Are you mad?" I ask. "I was." He glances at the ceiling then back at me. "Or confused, anyway. The whole thing threw me through for a loop. I thought I'd finally met a guy at Underwood I could relate to, and it turns out he wasn't a guy at all." I swallow. "I can see how that would be weird." "In a way though, I was relieved." "Relieved?" I echo. "Why?" He looks around embarrased. "Let's just say you had me questioning my sexual orientation. ↗

— Jody Gehrman

#humor #laugh #humor

But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice! ↗

— Bill Watterson

#humor

Still nothing," Raven answered "This is shitty. We are going to have to invest in heat sensors. These motion detectors blow Satan's left nut. ↗

— Gabrielle Evans

#humor #serious #faith

For Frito-Lay!" - Newel and Doren ↗

— Brandon Mull

#doren #fablehaven #frito #humor #lay

A metaphor is like a simile. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

Sometimes, though, you have to do things for family, even if you'd rather not. ↗

— Patricia C. Wrede

#help #humor #sacrifices #family

I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#family #humor #family

He could do this. He'd survived boot camp. He'd survived combat and the harsh weather of Afghanistan. He could survive broccoli. Probably. ↗

— Shannon Stacey

#humor #sean #family

I want everyone to throw sugar and cream at each other, then lie about it. I want to attend an ice cream antisocial. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #ice-cream #funny