#humor

Weetzie could see him--it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. "Lanky Lizards!" Weetzie exclaimed. "Greetings," said the man in an odd voice, a rich, dark purr. "Oh, shit!" Weetzie said. "I beg your pardon? Is that your wish? ↗

— Francesca Lia Block

#funny #genies #humor #weetzie-bat #wishes

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #politics #speeches #funny

I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#birthday #funny #humor #funny

He sniggered. He didn't like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but he had to admit that he had been giggling and sniggering almost continuously for well over half an hour now. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#humor #laugh #funny

IMBECILE!" the chef shouted. "Next time why don't you just put your whole HAND in the food, hey? Yes, your whole hand, or maybe your FACE! I arrange the food on plates with care, are you understanding what I am telling you? It is part of the art form of cooking, yes? A lovely plate of food is a thing of beauty! And then you, NUMBSKULL, come along and put your fat greasy FINGERS all over my plate, and SHAKE the plate, and move my food all around the plate until it looks like pigs' vomit!" "Chef Vlad!" I cried out in delight. ↗

— Kenneth Oppel

#humor #kate #matt #skybreaker #art

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them? ↗

— Victor Borge

#fat #funny #humor #humorous #opera

I suspect every conductor was once an air traffic controller, but the catastrophe was so terrible that they never speak of it. ↗

— Bauvard

#conductor #funny #humor #jobs #funny

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

Mustardseed grinned at Bertie. "I was never any good at geometry, but you’re stuck in a love triangle, aren’t you?" "Shut up," she ordered even as Moth asked, "But what if there were four of them?" "That’s a love rectangle, and five people would be a love pentagon." "And what are six people in love?" Cobweb demanded. Mustardseed thought it over a moment. "Manslaughter, I suppose. ↗

— Lisa Mantchev

#cobweb #faires #funny #humor #love-triangles

You're flying Buzz! No Woody we're falling in style! ↗

— Walt Disney Company

#funny-disney #humor #style #funny