#humor

Friendship is like putting butter on your socks before you slide them on. Sure, we all do it occasionally, but most of us would rather eat breakfast bare-handed at least once in a while. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#butter #food #friendship #funny #humor

Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors" opened up for "The Cars. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #jim-morrison #music #musicians

Girls are so much nicer than men (apart from Tom-but homosexual). ↗

— Helen Fielding

#humor #love #truth #friendship

Adele was in everybody’s wish list, and her list of Romeos was nearly as long as the Yellow Pages. Some witty person had suggested that her family needed a system of traffic lights to avoid fatal crashes for the men in her life. ↗

— Olga Núñez Miret

#family

Wyoming, to Annie, was represented by a blank, bleak space in her imagination. It was a place she could hide. The worst that could happen would be that she would sleep with Daniel and then get eaten by a wolf. She could live with that. ↗

— Kevin Wilson

#family

The human brain comprises 70% water, which means it's a similar consistency to tofu. Picture that for a second - a blob of tofu the size and shape of a brain. Now imagine taking that piece of tofu, and forcing your thumbs into it hard. It would burst wouldn't it? Okay, now imagine those thumbs weren't thumbs but thumb-shaped pieces of bad news. And there weren't two of them, they were about half a dozen. Imagine you were forcing all six pieces of bad news - a divorce, multiple career snubs, accusations from the family of a dead celebrity, estranged kids, borderline homelessness, that kind of thing - into a piece of tofu. With me? Good. Now imagine it's not tofu, but a human brain. And they're not pieces of bad news but six human thumbs. That's what happened to me. In 2001, my brain had half a dozen thumbs pushed into it. ↗

— Alan Partridge

#family

LUKE: I didn’t know I ever had a grandfather. JESSICA: I am surprised you never inquired whether you should. Having a grandfather is an excellent way to establish a legacy for oneself. LUKE: In that case, I’d like five grandfathers. JESSICA: In due time. Grandfathers don’t grow on family trees. They require convincing documentation and consistent memories of wisdom and inspiration. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #grandfathers #humor #family

Patronymics were only added to a family heritage to obtain a dowry. Families kept one and squandered the other, but in the wrong order. ↗

— Bauvard

#family #funny #humor #patronymics #family

The Harmonica is the world’s best-selling musical instrument. You’re welcome. ↗

— Bob Dylan

#humor

There are no insect eggs in my food.” Mrs. White reiterated. You should use that in your advertising,” Nate suggested. ↗

— Brandon Mull

#humor #insect-eggs #food