#humor

And i was buck-naked. Which probably would have made for an interesting night, but the last time i'd checked i was neither a porn star or a prostitute. ↗

— Kristin Walker

#humor #humor

I had lied so much lately that I was honestly surprised my pants weren't literally made of fire. ↗

— Michelle Rowen

#vampire #humor

Back off, boys. You don't want to mess with an out-of-work secretary. We're real testy. ↗

— MaryJanice Davidson

#humor

If a writer writes poems and short stories and novels, but nobody ever reads them, is she really a writer? ↗

— Jennifer Weiner

#writing #humor

If someone wanted to have a grudge against me, or didn't agree with my lifestyle, the way I breathed, the space I took up on this planet, they had an open door to 'report' to the powers that be. ↗

— Mark Alders

#life-lesson #humor

Such was the number of the barbarians, that when they shot forth their arrows the sun would be darkened by their multitude." Dieneces, not at all frightened at these words, but making light of the Median numbers, answered "Our Trachinian friend brings us excellent tidings. If the Medes darken the sun, we shall have our fight in the shade. ↗

— Herodotus

#humor #humor

Despite the fact that an Indonesian island chicken has probably had a much more natural life than one raised on a battery farm in England, people who wouldn't think twice about buying something oven-ready become much more upset about a chicken that they've been on a boat with, so there is probably buried in the Western psyche a deep taboo about eating anything you've been introduced to socially. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#ethics #humor #vegetarian #vegetarianism #humor

If you're reading this, I'm either a wolf for good, or you're Ulrik and you should get the hell out of my stuff. ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#humor #life #humor

Let me guess: you were one of those kids who had a chair dedicated to you in detention in school." "Was not. They retired my chair after it sort of accidentally caught on fire. There's a plaque there now. ↗

— Toni McGee Causey

#humor #humor

I yawned and stretched luxuriously in the morning. I make noises when I stretch because it feels ten times better than stretching silently. ↗

— Kevin Hearne

#mornings #humor