#humor

Mia, I told you how I feel. I'm an asshole and I don't say or show how I feel very often, so how about you just fucking enjoy it." -Christopher Mason ↗

— Sadie Grubor

#love #romance #humor

Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a yo-yo, and they ended up giving me some wound up string. Gee, thanks, mom. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #humor

Needless to say, they refused to submit to the Empire, conducting such a persistent guerrilla war that the Romans gave up hope of conquering Scotland, and the Wee Free Men remained both wee and free. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

Meg's high-heeled slippers were dreadfully tight, and hurt her, though she would not own it; and Jo's nineteen hair-pins all seemed stuck straight into her head, which was not exactly comfortable; but, dear me, let us be elegant or die. ↗

— Louisa May Alcott

#humor

A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as a sack of flour. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#books #boring #brick-and-blanket #funny #humor

I can't believe you said that about fire ants and thunderstorms! You are such a Houstonist! ↗

— Wil Wheaton

#humor #humor

There are three things I have learned not to discuss with people; religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin. ↗

— Linus van Pelt

#humor

I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out, and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help. ↗

— David Thorne

#humor

The room continued to spin though she was standing still, but her ears were hot. She felt like she'd just slammed three doubles of tequila and needed a fistfight chaser. ↗

— Michael R. Underwood

#geek #humor #urban-fantasy #humor

and (b) Kissing someone so that you can get a free trip is perilously close to full-on hooking ↗

— John Green

#humor