#humor

Dentistry is a precondition to love at first sight. Relationships are no longer about pulling teeth, but bleaching. That's why when your eyes meet, she beams with happiness - but when you smile back she shows her true reflexes. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #love #smiling #teeth

I want to go to a church that speaks in tongues and recite Shakespeare in a foreign language. It will be God's most eloquent exorcism. ↗

— Bauvard

#eloquence #funny #god #humor #funny

Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious. Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her. “Why’s this fish so bloody good?” he demanded, angrily. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#fish #funny #humor #funny

Some thoughts are so profound, so weighty, you just scratch your head. It takes a very sophisticated person to scratch their feet at times like that. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #thinking #funny

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat? ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#funny-humor #funny-satire #humor #humorist #humorous

I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

Sit, Phantom!" Ivy cooed. "On your bottom!" "Oh, for goodness sake!" Gabriel put down his book an pointed a long finger at Phantom. "Sit", he commanded in a deep voice. Phantom looked sheepish and sank straight to the floor. Ivy scowled in frustration "I've been trying to get him to do that all day! What is it with dogs and male authority? ↗

— Alexandra Adornetto

#funny

See you in the funny pages...mate ↗

— Daniel H. Wilson

#lurker #funny

I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #karate #funny

I nearly ran him over after he ran out in front of my car. So I slammed on the brakes, rolled down my window, and said, “Do you realize I could have killed you?” “It was stupid of me to run out in front of you,” he said. “Yeah, it was,” I replied. “But I’m not talking about now. Last Tuesday I could have killed you. Had you in the scope of my rifle, but I let you live. Now THAT was stupid. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny