#humor

Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious. Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her. “Why’s this fish so bloody good?” he demanded, angrily. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#fish #funny #humor #funny

Some thoughts are so profound, so weighty, you just scratch your head. It takes a very sophisticated person to scratch their feet at times like that. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #thinking #funny

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat? ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#funny-humor #funny-satire #humor #humorist #humorous

I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

Sit, Phantom!" Ivy cooed. "On your bottom!" "Oh, for goodness sake!" Gabriel put down his book an pointed a long finger at Phantom. "Sit", he commanded in a deep voice. Phantom looked sheepish and sank straight to the floor. Ivy scowled in frustration "I've been trying to get him to do that all day! What is it with dogs and male authority? ↗

— Alexandra Adornetto

#funny

See you in the funny pages...mate ↗

— Daniel H. Wilson

#lurker #funny

I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #karate #funny

I nearly ran him over after he ran out in front of my car. So I slammed on the brakes, rolled down my window, and said, “Do you realize I could have killed you?” “It was stupid of me to run out in front of you,” he said. “Yeah, it was,” I replied. “But I’m not talking about now. Last Tuesday I could have killed you. Had you in the scope of my rifle, but I let you live. Now THAT was stupid. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

Did you read the part that says, 'Your hair is like a flock of goats'? How romantic is that? Or that other line, 'Your neck is like the tower of David.' Oh, now, that sounds real attractive! If some guy tried those lines on me, I'm sure I'd fall instantly in love with him. ↗

— Robin Jones Gunn

#christy-miller #humor #katie #pick-up-lines #humor

Aye, well, he'll be wed a long time," he said callously. "Do him no harm to keep his breeches on for one night. And they do say that abstinence makes the heart grow firmer, no?" "Absence," I said, dodging the spoon for a moment. "AND fonder. If anything's growing firmer from abstinence, it wouldn't be his heart. ↗

— Diana Gabaldon

#humor #jamie-fraser #humor