#humor

I can’t chitchat and make breakfast at the same time. You could help, you know, instead of standing there like the Queen of England. Although you’re a lot better-looking. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#humor #funny

If you've never been in a dumpster coated with industrial waste while someone stabs you with a piece of sharpened rebar, then you probably wouldn't understand. ↗

— S.G. Browne

#sci-fi #humor

History is gossip that's been legitimized, and that's really the case when you get into some of the Roman historians. Wow! They'd be right at home on reality tv. ↗

— Esther M. Friesner

#humor #reality-tv #writing #humor

Gadfangled girl things, always robbed me of my common sense. ↗

— Bruce Coville

#humor

Laughter is the hand of God on the shoulder of a troubled world. ↗

— Grady Nutt

#inspirational #philosophy #humor

I visualized myself pulling on my mental thinking cap, jamming it down around my ears as I had taught myself to do. It was a tall, conical wizard's model, covered with chemical equations and formulae: a cornucopia of ideas. ↗

— Alan Bradley

#inspirational #intelligence #humor

I can’t help but notice that you keep writing love poetry to my wife. Well, you see, I married her, which makes her my wife. You know what you might want to try? Writing some poems about the sunset. The sunset isn’t fucking married. ↗

— A.J. Jacobs

#marriage #poetry #humor

Welcome to the fascinating world of the undead! Please use this guidebook as a handy reference as you make your first steps toward eternity. Inside you will find information on vampire nutrition, relationships, and safety. But before learning about your future, a word about our past… —From The Guide for the Newly Undead ↗

— Molly Harper

#vampire #humor

This phrase did not have the ring of verisimilitude because I am famously bad at math. If I'm in charge of tipping at a restaurant, the waiter will either fall to his knees in gratitude or slash my tires. There ain't no Mr. In Between. ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#humor

Latin is already a dead language, man... don't make it any deader. ↗

— Jerry Scott

#language #latin #zits #humor