#humorous

I should think this a gull, but that the white-bearded fellow speaks it; knavery cannot, sure, hide himself in such reverence. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#humor

It's just going to add to him thinking that I am a crazy, wanky, greenie, hybriddriving hippie," I complained. "Has he seen your bomb of a car?" Fran asked in disbelief. "Greenpeace arranges a protest every time it leaves your driveway. ↗

— Sean Kennedy

#humor

And now Kit’s cock—which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment—woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up. ↗

— Amy Lane

#masturbation #nsfw #humor

Have you ever noticed that folks will say ‘Look, he has his mama’s eyes’ or ‘his daddy’s nose,’ but they never say ‘We’re so proud! Look! He’s hung just like grampa’?” - Zach McKnight ↗

— Suzie Quint

#humor

And I'll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and rip all that shiny black hair from your head, then break your skinny arms and legs, and set you on fire, and then put you out with a hammer. And should there be children from your beastly rutting, I shall have the Russian man cut them to tiny pieces and feed them to Madame Jacob's dog. because, although he may be only a worthless, simpleminded, libertine artist, Lucien is my favorite, and I will not have him hurt. Do you understand? ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor

Talk about insanity. Being attracted to deVries was like a month saying, "Hey, let's go check out that awesome bonfire". ↗

— Cherise Sinclair

#humor

Clary turned instant traitor against her gender. "Those girls on the other side of the car are staring at you." Jace assumed an air of mellow gratification. "Of course they are," he said. "I am stunningly attractive." "Haven't you ever heard that modesty is an attractive trait?" "Only from ugly people," Jace confided. "The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and his python in his pants. ↗

— Evangeline Anderson

#humorous #romance #science-fiction-romance #humor

Tanner: I think that I might kiss you to keep your lips busy with something other than insulting me. Ella: If you think you can do it without getting lost. ↗

— Melissa Lemon

#humorous #melissa-lemon #romantic #smartass #business

She was thong-climbing-her-ass pissed. ↗

— Caris Roane

#humor