#humorous

He [Iggy] started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total. “You’re black.” “I prefer canine-American,” said Total. ↗

— James Patterson

#humor

I picked up one of the books and flipped through it. Don't get me wrong, I like reading. But some books should come with warning labels: Caution: contains characters and plots guaranteed to induce sleepiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery after ingesting more than one chapter. Has been known to cause blindness, seizures and a terminal loathing of literature. Should only be taken under the supervision of a highly trained English teacher. Preferably one who grades on the curve. ↗

— Laurie Halse Anderson

#boring-books #humorous #humor

Maybe you'll win when hell freezes over." He raised an eyebrow. "That could be easily arranged. ↗

— Aimee Carter

#humor

Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton. ↗

— Dean Koontz

#humor

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#humorous #solemnity #humor

My dear Reaper," Vlad said, still laughing. 'Did you just check out our-' 'No!' I interrupted at once, almost lunging toward the staircase. 'I'm tired and still dazed from the Remanats and ... fuck it, I'm taking a shower. I mean, not a cold shower, because I don't need that.' -oh Jesus I was only making this worse- 'because I am cold already, and I need to get hot. I mean, warmer. Oh just shut up!' " -Pg 280 ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#humor

You’re not going to let her do this, are you?” Bones snorted. “Let her? Mate, if you think you can control a woman, you must be single—-and a thousand pounds says she beats your arse. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat #humorous #humor

I like to think I'm helping them by hating them. I'm reminding them that they aren't God's gift to humankind. ↗

— Veronica Roth

#sassy #humor

It was strange and amusing...and, honestly, a bit embarrassing...to realize how much being near Bella had softened me. It seemed like no one was afraid of me any more. If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughing for the next century. ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#humor

Bones didn’t share any of my qualms about suddenly holding an arm that wasn’t attached to a body anymore. He just grabbed the ghoul by his other arm and began thumping him over the head with the loose limb. I’d heard Bones threaten to beat someone with their own limb before, but I’d always assumed that was a figure of speech. Apparently not. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat #humorous #humor