#humorous

I'm just trying to portray what I find ironic or humorous. ↗

— Max Cannon

#humorous #i #ironic #just #portray

Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for. ↗

— E.A. Bucchianeri

#democracy #ettiquette #freedom #freedom-of-speech #funny

Darcy rolled the quill between his fingers and looked with benign pity upon his cousin. “You should, you know. It’s a wonderful feeling to be the head of your home, with a wife who adores you and whom you adore in return.” Fitzwilliam whipped out his pocket watch. “Oh, look at that. I have to run." Ignoring him, Darcy turned his face to the fire, a besotted look in his eyes and a smile on his lips. “It’s a good feeling to care for your family and their well-being. It makes you finally grow up, I can tell you.” He sighed deeply and began attacking his figures once more, his mind filled with unlimited love and joy, thinking on his upcoming paternal responsibilities. “I myself find women to be unbelievably wonderful creations.” “I suppose you will continue with this treacle even as I beg you to stop.” “Well, think about it…” Darcy continued, looking up from his work. Fitzwilliam groaned. “They give back to you double and triple whatever little you hand them.” “I think I’m going to be ill, Darcy. Please stop.” “You hand them disparate items of food, and they give you back a wonderful meal. You provide them with four walls and a floor, and they give you back a loving home. You give them your seed,” Darcy’s eyes misted, his voice choked with emotion. “You give them your seed, and they give you back the most precious thing of all—a child…” They sat in silence together. “And God help you if you give them shit.” Fitzwilliam was calmly packing tobacco into his pipe, and his eyes met Darcy’s for a moment. Understanding flashed between them. “Amen to that, Cousin.” Darcy crashed down to earth, quickly resuming his work ↗

— Karen V. Wasylowski

#inspirational #family

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you. ↗

— Herbert Beerbohm Tree

#always #does #evidence #humor #humorous

A Prince asked the dying spanish statesman, "Does your Excellency forgive all your enemies?" "I do not have to forgive all my enemies," answered the stateman, "I have had them all shot. ↗

— Robert Greene

#forgiveness

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#humor #humorous #funny

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #humorous #funny

I'm going to do something bigger and better, bigger and better and bolder, but first, I'm going to do something smaller and worse. ↗

— JonArno Lawson

#poetry #thoughtful #humor

Seduction is the art of saying what you don't do in order to do what you don't say ↗

— Löis Lancaster

#seduction #art

He shifted his attention back to me and leaned in closer. “I told you to behave. I don’t want to have to arrest you ever again.” “Um . . . okay.” I felt him slide something under my hand. He leaned in even closer, his mouth by my ear, and whispered, “Although I wouldn’t mind handcuffing you.” Oh. My. God. ↗

— Robyn Peterman

#humorous #robyn-peterman #romance #romance-funny #sexy