#humorous

But if anyone so much as threatened them because of what Kaia had once done, she would turn the Slumber Party Massacre into Blood, Bath and Beyond, a documentary by Kaia Skyhawk. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#humor

Don't eat earwax avoid roasted cabbage and look on the bright side of life -Angela ↗

— Christopher Paolini

#humor

Asshole," Ephraim muttered as he turned back around. Chris chuckeled. "Is that really any way to talk to your favorite child?" "You're not my favorite," Ephraim argued, but they both knew that was bullshit. "I don't have any favorites." "Puhlease," Chris said. "You fucking adore me... ↗

— R.L. Mathewson

#humor

'Oh- hey, there," he said. He was shorter than me, pudgy with salt-and-pepper hair that always seemed to be in need of a good conditioning. And he always wore sweatpants and T-shirts that had seen more abuse than narcotics. But he was a good landlord. When my heater stopped working in mid-December, it took him only two weeks to get it fixed. Of course, it took me knocking on his door in need of a warm place to sleep to get it that way, but one night on his sofa, where I'd suddenly developed night terrors and epilepsy, and that puppy was running like a Mercedes the next day. It was awesome. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor

Look at you, all Rocky Horror Picture Ho. ↗

— Michelle Rowen

#humor

I stamped, certified, and lipsticked my life in a package sent through Priority Mail directly to the devil herself...and there's no turning back. ↗

— Amy Holder

#humor

When you by nature subscribe to the view that everyone except yourself is a berk or a wanker, it is hard to bond with anybody in any rational common cause. ↗

— Lynne Truss

#humor

Goooooooooooood luck with THAT! ↗

— Fritzyll

#ironic #humor

But how do we know it's really you? I mean, I could put a saucepan on my head and call myself the God of Boiled Dumplings; wouldn't mean I was telling the truth. ↗

— K.J. Parker

#humor

...there occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone. It was this: "He was a man who acted from the best motives. There is one born every minute. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#insightful #humor