#humour

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. ↗

— Colleen Hoover

#humour #humor

I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes. ↗

— Bill Hicks

#humour #misanthropy #humor

Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to. ↗

— George Saunders

#humour #humor

When a man plans, a woman laughs. ↗

— David Wong

#humour #men #paraphrased #plans #women

Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?" Minho asked, pulling Thomas's attention away from Alby. "Go ahead," Newt replied. Minho nodded and faced the crowd. "Be careful," he said dryly. "Don't die. ↗

— James Dashner

#humour #humor

Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares! ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#foaly #humor #humour #humor

I want to reach in my pants, pull out my virginity, wrap it up and put a bow on it. Or maybe stick it in a gift bag from Target and give it to him like a present with a nice card that says, "Thank you for being you! Just a little virginity to show you may gratitude! ↗

— Tara Sivec

#humour #humor

If you want to know the Correct term for me, I'm a Dark-Hunter." Nick digested that word slowly. "Which means what? You hunt darkness?" "Yes, Nick. That's exactly what I do. There's just not enough of it." Now, there was some sarcasm you could cut with a knife. ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#humor #humour #humor

lectures broke into one's day and were clearly a terrible waste of time, necessary no doubt if you were reading law or medicine or some other vocational subject, but in the case of English, the natural thing to do was talk a lot, listen to music, drink coffee and wine, read books, and go to plays, perhaps be in plays… ↗

— Stephen Fry

#humour #pretentiousness #university #music

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me. ↗

— Diana Wynne Jones

#humour #lying #salvation #humor