#humourous

Oh my god, two days ago I fell in love with the girl of my dreams. Tonight I find out she's insane ↗

— Jill Mansell

#dreams

Fuck the pack. I gave them fifteen years of my life. I fought for them, bled for them, and the moment my back was turned, they attacked my wife. I owe them nothing. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#humourous #protectiveness #life

Mum repeated the old adage that money can't buy you everything...before adding that she prefers using credit cards instead. ↗

— Kirkland Ciccone

#money

Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, "She only speaks Cantonese." "She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'" "Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?" "No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga." "Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls." "That's some bullshit, Troy." "It's her couch. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humourous-situations #funny

Adrian Mole's diary Easter Poor Jesus, it must have been dead awful for him. I wouldn't have the guts to do it myself. ↗

— Sue Townsend

#age

Daddy was overcome by the charm of this scene. "They're just so amazing at that age. So innocent. So ... pure. As pure as the snow they play in." He apparently hadn't noticed the places where the snow was distinctly yellow. ↗

— Josh Lieb

#age

Mrs. Joe was a very clean housekeeper, but had an exquisite art of making her cleanliness more uncomfortable and unacceptable than dirt itself. ↗

— Charles Dickens

#art

Sir," said the guard from behind me. "I'd appreciate it if you left your club here." I paused and looked over my shoulder, He had a gun. His hand wasn't exactly resting on it, but he'd tucked his thumb into his belt about half an inch away. "It isn't a club," I said calmly. "It's a walking stick." "Six feet long." "It's traditional Ozark folk art." "With dents and nicks all over it." I thought about it for a second. "I'm insecure?" "Get a blanket. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humourous #art

Manicures: Which are basically just holding hands with a stranger for forty-five minutes whilst listening to Enya. ↗

— Miranda Hart

#humourous-situations #beauty

The person who sat the kid down on the breadboard to cut off thier diaper with a huge knife was the most elderly person in the family, who was blind in one eye..and had the shakes....of course the kids uncouncious, He's lost two pints of blood! ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#family