#jo

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much. ↗

— Karl Pilkington

#jordan #religion #humor

Jack didn’t fully get Jesus. Audrey tried to explain it, and he could repeat it back to her, word for word, but he still didn’t comprehend most of it. The best he could gather was that Jesus lived long ago, told people to be nice, and they killed him for it. At the end, he asked who was Jesus’ necromancer and if he was in the Bible, then Kaldar couldn’t stop laughing and had to sit down. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#humor #jesus #joke #necromancer #religion

Your... Your aura. It's... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.' I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex? ↗

— Richelle Mead

#dirty #funny #hathaway #humor #ivashkov

Jason straightened his shirt. “What’s ‘chauvinistic’ mean?” “It’s in the dictionary next to a picture of your father,” muttered Kyle. ↗

— Kathleen Peacock

#johanna-s-likes #humor

You can share in my joy, but I don’t want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery. Go ahead, take it all.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #joy #miserable #misery #selfish

I feel like grabbing my crotch and checking to see if my balls are still there because I think they may be in her pocket and I need to get them back. ↗

— Katja Millay

#humor #josh-bennett #nastya-kashnikov #humor

↑ top up position down The fact that I suspect I'm an asshole means I probably am not, because a real asshole doesn't think he's an asshole, does he? Therefore, by realizing that I'm an asshole, I am in fact negating that very realization, am I not? Descartes's Asshole Axiom: I think I am; therefor I'm not one. ↗

— Jonathan Tropper

#humor #jonathan-tropper #humor

Roger said, 'I don't know about having a shrink around all the time. Are you analyzing me right now?' Sophie rolled her eyes. 'How original. No, I'm not analyzing you. It'd take a whole team of shrinks to figure out your crazy ass, and I simply don't have the time or energy. ↗

— Jennifer Lane

#new-job #psychologist #romance #romantic-suspense #with-good-behavior

Joke exchanges are carried on in deadly earnest, like a verbal duel-mouth-to-mouth combat. Bang, bang: you’re (linguistically) dead. ↗

— David Crystal

#jokes #language-play #humor

If she’d been born at the right time they would have burned her over in Salem. ↗

— John Updike

#comic #humor #john-updike #humor