#lit

You can take a dog outside, but you can't make it pee ↗

— Micah Amyx

#humor #pee #reality #humor

Dear Bill (O'Reilly)...I am concerned that you have been losing touch with reality recently. Did you really say you are more powerful than any politician? That reminds me of the famous story about Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: Raise the bridge! I have an erection! ↗

— Roger Ebert

#politics #humor

GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#politics #socialism #humor

Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #politics #humor

I like pancakes! And I have a gun. I shoot bad guys with it. Sometimes, bad guys go to sleep and don't wake up. That makes Harley sad. ↗

— Stephen Jenner

#humor #twilight #twilite #humor

All White House hopefuls we forewarn: You'll have to prove that you were born. Before Trump hits the state of granite, He must identify the planet Where he first took on human form - A place where blowhards are the norm. ↗

— Calvin Trillin

#politics #humor

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa. ↗

— Ricky Gervais

#christianity #comedy #humor #humour #rationality

She imagined herself both queen and slave, dominatrix and victim. In her imagination she was making love with men of all skin colors--white, black, yellow--with homosexuals and beggars. She was anyone's, and anyone could do anything to her. She had one, two, three orgasms, one after another. She imagined everything she had never imagined before, and she gave herself to all that was most base and most pure. ↗

— Paulo Coelho

#masturbation #sexuality #imagination

I imagine you come across a number of people who are disconcerted by the difference between what you do feel and what they fancy you ought to feel. It is fatal to pay the smallest attention to them. ↗

— Dorothy L. Sayers

#honesty #morality #sentiments #imagination

Reality is a cliché from which we escape by metaphor. ↗

— Wallace Stevens

#metaphor #reality #imagination