#mo

He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home ↗

— Rachel Gibson

#humor #funny

I don't want my wife to have more sons; the two we have now are too much like her. When we're ready for another child, I'm cloning myself. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

When someone says something offensive and I want to voice my opinion, I hire a spokesman to beat that person up. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #opinions #violence #funny

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil. ↗

— Molly Harper

#humor #politcal-humor #vampires #funny

I situate myself, and seat myself, And where you recline I shall recline, For every armchair belonging to you as good as belongs to me. I loaf and curl up my tail I yawn and loaf at my ease after rolling in the catnip patch." (From Meow of Myself, from LEAVES OF CATNIP) ↗

— Henry N. Beard

#humor #leaves-of-grass #song-of-myself #walt-whitman #humor

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded? ↗

— Victor Borge

#funny #humor #humorous #sneeze #victor

Instead of Rock, Paper, Scissors, you could play Brick, Blanket, Action Fingers, in which brick cripples action fingers, blanket smothers brick and action fingers beats blanket. ↗

— Nicole McKay

#brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny #humor

It may be prodigious, but it's all Greek to me! ↗

— Hergé

#funny #humor #tintin #funny

An impending sense of doom, a weariness of decadence - these are the deep concerns of a generation which charges into the darkness naked holding wine spritzers. ↗

— Bauvard

#fate #funny #humor #funny

Once I saw Paris Hilton leaving a restaurant in Hollywood and the paparazzi cameras were all over her. It looked so unpleasant. It wasn't because she didn't look sensational - she was that perfect combination of fashionable and slutty - it was because the paparazzi guys were shouting these insanely rude and intrusive questions at her. Like, asking her who she was sleeping with and stuff. I was kind of interested in the answer, so I was glad they asked, but it was still gross. ↗

— Mindy Kaling

#humor