#ny

I'd sold my soul to get out of detention. ↗

— Jennifer Lynn Barnes

#toby #unbelievable #funny

I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does. "How's it hanging?" Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez! ↗

— Barry Lyga

#humour #nudity #self-consciousness #funny

He begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cookery was owing. Briefly forgetting her manners, Mary grabbed her fork and leapt from her chair onto the table. Lydia, who was seated nearest her, grabbed her ankle before she could dive at Mr. Collins and, presumably, stab him about the head and neck for such an insult. ↗

— Seth Grahame-Smith

#honour #pride-and-prejudice-and-zombies #funny

Monogamous musicians are like vegan hockey players. ↗

— Rob Sheffield

#funny

Zombies, deadheads, corpsicles. What's the difference? They don't care. They don't have feelings to hurt. ↗

— Daniel Waters

#funny-yet-mean #generation-dead #funny

He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume. ↗

— Jim Benton

#cute #duckling #funny #kitten #laugh

I threatened to kung fu you. Oh my God. ↗

— Jill Shalvis

#kung-fu #funny

What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows. ↗

— John Green

#comedy #funny #funny

Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#laughter #weapon #funny

Through such advanced techniques like sleeping, I started exploring the depths of me. And until you find out who you are, or stop yawning, I suggest you do the same. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #sleeping #funny