#ny

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in. ↗

— Dannika Dark

#bs #character #comical #dannika-dark #funny

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#armpits #bizarre #customer-satisfaction #customers #free

Just this past summer, I took online courses in introductory logic and law through civilization. Often the weight of history, with its facts heaped upon facts requiring complex chains of inference to sort through – I mean complex for someone with the soft brain of a tomato merchant; for me the premises are obvious and the conclusions dire and inescapable – threatened to crush me, and I was ultimately forced to abandon the whole undertaking. By way of recovery, I spent the rest of the summer immersed in a Freudian meditation on some choice tabloids. The mysterious lives of celebrities make for challenging induction. The reasoning process involves navigating many gaps in our knowledge of them. What is certain is that under the iceberg of glitz and glamor lie neurotic, depraved individuals with bizarre habits and hobbies, people who think they’re above the law. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #history #law #neurosis #funny

You were at the party on Friday night, weren't you?" I didn't mentioned I'd followed him into the woods. He leaned back in his chair, his legs sprawled out. His boots nudged the bottom ruffle of my skirt. "Aye." Aye? Seriously? Could he be any hotter? Unless he had been looking for his girlfriend at the party. Not hot. "I was supposed to meet my cousin," he elaborated, "but I didn't find her," Hot again. ↗

— Alyxandra Harvey

#jo #lol #rock-guy #stolen-away #funny

Well," Ben went on,"someone should just tell her to come on home, because she can find the world's largest balls right here in Orlando, Florida. They're located in a special display case known as 'my scrotum.'" Radar laughed, and Ben continued. "I mean seriously. My balls are so big that when you order french fries from McDonald's, you can choose one of four sizes: small, medium,large, and my balls. ↗

— John Green

#funny

A teacher had once told them that men were either beasts, gentlemen, or beasts masquerading as gentlemen. Might there be a fourth category — gentlemen masquerading as beasts? ↗

— Sabrina Jeffries

#heiresses #men #funny

..and I thought how liking a boy was just the same as believing you wanted to know a secret - everything was better when you were denied and could feel tormented by curiousity or loneliness. But the moment of something happening was treacherous. It was just so tiring to have to worry about whether your face was peeling, or to have to laugh at stories that weren’t funny. ↗

— Curtis Sittenfeld

#funny

To look at the cross-section of any plan of a big city is to look at something like the section of a fibrous tumor. ↗

— Frank Lloyd Wright

#big #big city #city #cross-section #like

I thought women loved great listeners. How could Agatha leave me? I’m musical, successful, and very, very, very, very sexy. Did I mention the fact that I am sexy? I’m like Brad Pitt, only different looking and much, much, much, much sexier. I am sexier than Brad Pitt! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brad-pitt #funny #sexy #funny

I hate the rhetoric of politicians, but I love it when writers lie to me. If novelists ran for office, I would vote for their characters. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #politics #rhetoric #writing #funny