#or

At this point, a spaceship could land on Main Street and Elvis could saunter out singing "Love Me Tender," and I wouldn't be surprised ↗

— Michele Bardsley

#humor

...I just pulled a pretty big job and needed to hide out for awhile." "...Where's all the loot?" "That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart." Artemis put two and two together and arrived at a very unpleasant four. "You were here to rob me!" "No, I wasn't. How dare you?! ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#humor #mulch #theif #humor

I love these pet names," she said, gazing soulfully up into his eyes, "Nitwit. Sap skull. Termagant. How they make my heart flutter! ↗

— Loretta Chase

#jessica-trent #romance #humor

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately. ↗

— Dave Barry

#call #humor #life #men #phone

It can be exhausting eating a meal cooked by a man. With a woman, it's, Ho hum, pass the beans. A guy, you have to act like he just built the Taj Mahal. ↗

— Deb Caletti

#cooking #gender-stereotypes #humor #humor

Babies love fat. ↗

— Kathryn Stockett

#humor #humor

Do you have a little white dress? I've had this deep-seated nurse fantasy about you, Murphy. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #karrin-murphy #women #humor

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#life #humor

I'm a registered Republican, I only seem liberal because I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure and not gay marriage. ↗

— Aaron Sorkin

#liberal #republican #the-newsroom #humor

[how can anyone] be silly enough to think himself better than other people, because his clothes are made of finer woolen thread than theirs. After all, those fine clothes were once worn by a sheep, and they never turned it into anything better than a sheep. ↗

— Thomas More

#fashion #humorous #renaissance #humor