#or

Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German. ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor

When I was a small boy, old people used to squat down to my eye level and ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, to which my answer was invariably, "a pirate." Their stunned silence was always very reassuring. ↗

— Adam Young

#humor

Your master plan has holes big enough to drive a truck through. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#humor

You guys are not leaving me out there. They're going to talk books and sex. And the books are about sex. Who knew women were so damn chatty about sex? Men don't do that. We just look at a girl, announce we did her, and everyone moves on. ↗

— Lexi Blake

#humor

Annoyed?” said Sophie. “Why should I be annoyed? Someone only filled the castle with rotten aspic, and deafened everyone in Porthaven, and scared Calcifer to a cinder, and broke a few hundred hearts. Why should that annoy me? ↗

— Diana Wynne Jones

#howl-s-moving-castle #humor #sophie-hatter #humor

I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #surreal #funny

In a desperate attempt to stay young forever we have achieved eternal childishness, rather than eternal youth. ↗

— Daniel Prokop

#growing-up #humor #maturity #never-growing-up #humor

Man, it was a good thing vampires didn't get cancer. Lately he'd been chain-smoking like a felon. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#cancer #humor #life #smoking #humor

Note to self-give serious thought to becoming an alcoholic. ↗

— Jill Shalvis

#humor

Far below, I heard Cacus bellowing as millions, maybe even thousands of filthy gallons of water slammed into him. Meanwhile, Annabeth alternately shouted, gagged, hit me, called me endearing pet names like, "Idiot! Stupid--dirty--moron--" and topped it all off with "Kill you! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor