#r

He's around the twist,' said Azalea. 'Breaking all the windows? He's mad.' 'Ah, no,' said the King. 'It's only madness if you actually do it. If you want to break all the windows in the house and drown yourself in a bucket but don't actually do it, well, that's love. ↗

— Heather Dixon

#love #humor

They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat. "Get the mail, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper. "Make Harry get it." "Get the mail, Harry." "Make Dudley get it." "Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor #humor

Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#cat #church #city-of-lost-souls #humor #pretence

There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words. ↗

— Dorothy Parker

#the-paris-review #wisecrack #wit #humor

I had fun last night," I told Patch, flicking off my chin strap and handing over my helmet. "I'm officially on love with your sheets." "That the only thing you're in love with?" "Nope. Your mattress, too." Some smile crept into Patch's eyes. "My bed's an open invitation. ↗

— Becca Fitzpatrick

#love #patch-and-nora #humor

Don't care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts. Bones to Gregor ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat #humor #humor

fine, go ahead. kiss me right now. alec stared in horror. exactly. despite my staggering good looks, you actually don't like me that way ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it. ↗

— George Bernard Shaw

#religion #humor

The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five. ↗

— Carl Sagan

#humor #reason #sagan #war #humor

Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people. ↗

— Pete Wentz

#humor #pete #thought #wentz #humor