#s

Who's Jessie?" "My Yugo" "You have a name for your Yugo? Please don't tell me you're one of those guys who also names his dick." "Unfortunately, I've yet to find the perfect name for mine, so it's in this netherworld of nameless identity right now. ↗

— Rachel Cohn

#humor #love #humor

If I were being honest with myself, he lit a blaze, not just a blush, but that’s too much reality for me to admit. ↗

— S.L. Scott

#romance #sexy #humor

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' "I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken. ↗

— Dick Gregory

#comedy #humor #racism #humor

In New York I'd go to the movies three or four times a week. Here I've upped it to six or seven, mainly because I'm too lazy to do anything else. Fortunately, going to the movies seems to suddenly qualify as an intellectual accomplishment, on a par with reading a book or devoting time to serious thought. It's not that the movies have gotten any more strenuous, it's just that a lot of people are as lazy as I am, and together we've agreed to lower the bar. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor #movies #humor

He turned the entire living room into an airport, complete with a four-foot-high LEGO traffic control tower and a fleet of paper planes, plastic army pilots taped safely into their cockpits. From deep beneath the couch, a large utility flashlight illuminates some sort of...landing strip? I crouch down for a better look. Oh. My. God. Stuck to the carpet in parallel, unbroken paths from one wall to the other are two lanes of brand-new maxi pads. Plastic dinosaurs stand guard at every fourth pad–triceratops and T rexes on one side, brontosauruses and pterodactyls on the other–protecting the airport from enemy aircraft and/or heavy flow. ↗

— Sarah Ockler

#kids #humor

There's something about sports. You can be setting fire to cats and burying them in your backyard, but as long as you're playing team sports, people think you're okay. ↗

— Polly Horvath

#sports #humor

But I can't see how anyone could believe that you killed the bear with a pitchfork,' I said. 'I didn't. I only wounded it - badly, I think, but not enough to put it out of action. It came blundering towards me, I stepped aside and it crashed head-first into the river - I could hear it threshing about in the darkness. I picked up a big stone - poor brute, I hated to do it but I had to finish it off. It gave just one groan as the stone hit it and then went down. I held the lantern high; I could see the bubbles coming up. And then I saw the dark bulk of it under the water, being carried along by the current.' 'But you didn't have a lantern,' I said. 'He didn't have a bear,' said Topaz. ↗

— Dodie Smith

#i-capture-the-castle #humor

Your function as a critic is to show that it is really you yourself who should have written the book, if you had had the time, and since you hadn't you are glad that someone else had, although obviously it might have been done better. ↗

— Stephen Potter

#criticism #humor #writing #humor

I'm fully aware that some of the stuff I write is going to offend people or p*ss them off. They should be fully aware that I don't really care. ↗

— Briana Blair

#humor #sarcasm #humor

I had made her so unhappy that she had developed a sense of humor. [-Rabo Karabekian] ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#rabo-karebekian #wife #wives #humor