#t

How now, my sweet creature of bombast! How long is't ago, Jack, since thou saw'st thien own knee? ↗

— William Shakespeare

#funny #insult #prince-hal #funny

(…) Trying to think of how to take the least crowded ways to class, so the least amount of people will stare at the hole in my neck. Sometimes it feels like it has a beacon in it, flashing for the entire world to see, except it's not cool like the Bat signal. ↗

— Keary Taylor

#funny #hilarious #witty #funny

Why can't I be admitted to the ... bosom of the operation?" I leaned toward him but almost started to laugh because "bosom" was such a funny word and my innuendo was more Tina Fey than Angelina Jolie. ↗

— Claire Gillian

#funny

I think guns are just a symbolic substitute for male genitalia, and I’m okay in that respect.” “Fine. If they get in the house, you can whack them with your genitals. ↗

— J.A. Konrath

#genitalia #guns #funny

America is still AmeriKKKa. rather we like it or not ↗

— Fee Scott

#reality-check #true #funny

Pantheism and Utopia meet in the camping trailer, where they are offered hot herbal tea and asked after the names on their birth certificates. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #random #society #funny

You get a promotion?" "I got a polite, but firm suggestion to be a team player. [...]" "You got off easy. One of my commanding officers once threw a paperweight at me." "We're a bit more subtle. ↗

— Nelson DeMille

#witty #funny

A bruise is a lesson...and each lesson makes us better. ↗

— George R.R. Martin

#obstacles #trying #inspirational

You've got to show the world who you are before it tells you. Otherwise you become victim to someone you're not. ↗

— Chris Colfer

#inspirational

I asked my doctor for the best gift ever: Life. Still, he wouldn’t take one for me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #funny