#t

Not to be rude, but it was all pointless," I noted from across the room. Four eyes narrowed at me. "What? I said 'not to be rude'. That's like saying 'God bless them' right after you say bad things about someone. It means it doesn't count! ↗

— Molly Harper

#rationalizations #humor

[Leafpool] waved her tail in greeting as she padded past Cloudtail and Daisy; as she left the clearing she heard Cloudtail meowing, "This time try to pretend I'm a badger and I'm going to eat your kits." "But my kits really like you," Daisy protested. ↗

— Erin Hunter

#daisy #humor #warriors #humor

A man without a woman is like a pistol without a trigger; it is the woman who makes the man go off. ↗

— Victor Hugo

#humor #humor

As far as I'm concerned, I'm a middle-of-the-road moderate and the rest of you are crazy. ↗

— Ann Coulter

#politics #humor

I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colours scrapping in the middle of the room, and then they all shot past me with a rush and out of the front door; and all that was left of the mobscene was the head of a whacking big fish, lying on the carpet and staring up at me in a rather austere sort of way, as if it wanted a written explanation and apology. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#fish #humor #humor

My God, Jack - with a look like that, you two should just get a room. And try not to pick the one with a dead body next to it this time. ↗

— Julie James

#julie-james #romance #something-about-you #humor

I have a friend who got into a car accident and now has a prosthetic metal leg, metal pins in his hips, and a metal plate in his head. One time I told him that he was like a human Swiss Army knife, to which he replied, “I’m Belgian. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#car-accident #funny #humor #random #swiss

Earth,” he began, ignoring the impulse to open his notes folder and count the words. He knew this lecture by heart. “Our home. She feeds us, she shelters us. Her gravity prevents us from flying off into space and freezing, before thawing out again and being crisped by the sun, none of which really matters, as we would have long since asphyxiated.” Artemis paused for laughter and was surprised when it did not arrive. “That was a little joke. I read in a presentation manual that a joke often serves to break the ice. And I actually worked icebreaking into the joke, so there were layers to my humor. ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#facepalm-humor #humor

First rule of cleavage: it's not how low you go, but where and when you show. ↗

— Elisabeth Squires

#cleavage #elisabeth-dale #humor #style #women

Writing is a dying form. One reads of this every day. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#writing #humor