#t

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' ↗

— Henny Youngman

#drive #guy #him #how #page

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#been #face #her #many #marks

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#diary #horse #i #jockey #kept

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#bill #doctor #gave #him #his

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#great #him #horse #horses #i

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#dope #i #kill #knew #living

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#drinks #eighty #glasses #grandmother #need

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#like #look #scout #talent #you

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! ↗

— Henny Youngman

#bed #complains #feet #first #get

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#ready #tell #wit #you