#u

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. ↗

— Steven Wright

#tarot #humor

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest. ↗

— Louise Rennison

#humor

Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#paraphrased #humor

Your mum pounced on her and started sucking away. Would’ve been arousing if not for all the screaming.” “Ian,” Bones drew out warningly. He grinned. “You’re right. I was aroused anyway. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#humor #ian #humor

No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time. ↗

— Stephen Fry

#complaints #humor #understanding #humor

I really don't get nervous when I perform -it's more of an exciting feeling than anything else. But put me in a classroom with kids my age and have me take a test and yeah, I'll be nervous! ↗

— Alexa Vega

#anything #classroom #else #exciting #feeling

Call me sentimental, but there's no-one in the world that I'd like to see get dysentery more than you ↗

— David Nicholls

#humor

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian! ↗

— Bill Watterson

#dessert #humor #humor

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn't explain how. She didn't really want to know. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#bellybutton #humor #humor