#um

One quick glance around the room and I realise that I have somehow stumbled into a wannabe serial killer convention. Every single person in the room looks as if they are concealing a weapon of some sort. My heart thuds rapidly in my chest as I sneak past an elderly man who grins lecherously at me, flashing his gold tooth. Oh dear God, I’m going to die! First, I get dumped – on my birthday no less – and now I’m going to get knifed in some seedy bar! ↗

— J.C. McClean

#humour #funny

Better treatment and detection methods have also improved the survival rate for people with cancer, and for the first time in history, this year the absolute number of cancer deaths in the U.S. has decreased. ↗

— Ike Skelton

#also #better #cancer #deaths #decreased

Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he'll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee." That was code. It meant "Come to my place as soon as you can, it's important. ↗

— David Wong

#funny #humor #random #funny

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

I want to be buried where I’m temporarily working without pay. As a permanent intern people will still walk all over me, but at least they'll remember my name - there will be a plaque under the memos. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #internships #remembrance #funny

TV writing is different than other mediums, involving the writer. ↗

— Tom Skerritt

#involving #mediums #other #than #tv

Are the things that now, in retrospect, with what I've seen happen to my company, would I have done some things differently? I think - I think we all would do - we would do a number of things differently. ↗

— Jeffrey Skilling

#differently #done #happen #i #i think

...trying to predict whether global warming will moderate the next ice age is not only impossible but irrelevant. It doesn't help us get through the next few centuries. And one can only imagine our future, shivering, ice age descendants cursing us for leaving them no fossil fuel to create a global warming "greenhouse" effect when one is really needed. ↗

— John Harte

#global-warming #humour #age

It was not healthy for one man's smile to make my panties spontaneously combust ↗

— Molly Harper

#humor

Report, report, report. Dig, dig, dig. Think, think, think. Don't stop being a reporter because you've become a columnist. ↗

— Allan Sloan

#become #being #columnist #dig #report