#um

At the bottom of the hill they came out of the trees to a busy street and Antwan said, "We cross here." "Ain't no lights here," Antwan said. "Just look out for the ones trying to hit you. There's a nice-looking blonde-haired female human lives around here - any time she sees me she tries to run me down. ↗

— Elmore Leonard

#business

After Hiram Bingham built the first church on Oahu the student recalls, "When it was completed some of the natives said among themselves, 'That house of worship built by the haoles is a place in which they will pray us all to death. It is meant to kill us. ↗

— Sarah Vowell

#god #humor #religion #death

(So I heard the boom of my fathr's rifle when he shot my best friend.) A bullet only costs about two cents, and anybody can afford that.(14) ↗

— Sherman Alexie

#death #friendship #poor #poverty #death

Sex," the driver said, "Has no one ever told you about it?" I took the New York Times from my carry-on bag and pretended to read, an act that apparently explained it all. "Ohhh," the driver said, "I understand. You do not like pussy. You like the dick. Is that it?" I brought the paper close to my face, and he stuck his arm through the little window and slapped the back of his seat. "David," he said, "David, listen to me when I am talking to you. I asked do you like the dick?" "I just work," I told him. "I work, and then I go home, and then I work some more." I was trying to set a good example, trying to be the person I'd imagined him to be, but it was a lost cause. "I fucky-fuck every day," he boasted. "Two women. I have a wife and another girl for the weekend. Two kind of pussy. Are you sure you no like to fucky-fuck?" If forced to, I can live with the word "pussy," but "fucky-fuck" was making me carsick. "That is not a real word," I told him. "You can say fuck, but fucky-fuck is just nonsense. Nobody talks that way. You will never get ahead with that kind of language." Traffic thickened because of an accident, and, as we slowed to a stop, the driver ran his tongue over his lips. "Fucky-fuck," he repeated. "I fucky-fucky-fucky fuck. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor #sex #home

Don't kill the game with your 'funk', elevate it with your humility. ↗

— T.F. Hodge

#funk #game #humility #kill #life

Morris Weissman [on the phone, discussing casting for his movie]: "What about Claudette Colbert? She's British, isn't she? She sounds British. Is she, like, affected or is she British? ↗

— Julian Fellowes

#actors #affectations #british #claudette-colbert #clichés

I'll be fine ' Pen told me a little curtly. 'Where are you going anyway ' 'The United States. Alabama.' 'Looking for a change of scene ' 'Looking for a dead woman.' 'Get Jenna-Jane Mulbridge to come down here and I'll make you one. ↗

— Mike Carey

#change

And we saved your life, y’know,” Andrew said, jerking his head in Oliver’s direction. “I mean, the least you could do is thank us.” “Of course!” Oliver said hastily. “Thank you very much for saving my life.” “It was really dangerous back there,” Patricia said earnestly, as if wanting to make sure that he understood what kind of situation they had rescued him from. “Yes, beheading is a serious business, I suppose,” Oliver said kindly. “I think it would have been difficult to keep on living once my head was chopped off. ↗

— Zeinab Alayan

#gratefulness #humor #puppets #business

Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales was expected to clock in at anywhere between 100 and 120 chapters. Unfortunately, the dude only managed to finish 24 tales before he suffered an insurmountable and permanent state of writer's block commonly known as death. ↗

— Jacopo della Quercia

#cracked #death #geoffrey-chaucer #humor #death

Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool.” -Janco ↗

— Maria V. Snyder

#afterlife-speculation #funny-and-random #funny-but-true #funny-quotes #humor