#us

Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone. ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor #jane-austen #humor

...I do have to wonder what sort of childhood the Grimm brothers endured. They are not a merry bunch of storytellers, what with their children roasted by witches, maidens poisoned by old crones, and whatnot. ↗

— Libba Bray

#young-adult #humor

I wish there existed philosophical delivery stations, where a person could call up and order an answer to such questions as, “Does life have meaning, and what’s the meaning of meaning?” Then a delivery guy with a thick German mustache would show up at your door within thirty minutes with an answer. And you could order a large two-topping answer for only 9.99, plus tip. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#german #humor #meaning #mustache #philosophy

There are more than enough to fight and oppose; why waste good time fighting the people you like? ↗

— Morrissey

#lyrics #music #humor

I crushed on the most popular guy in school! I saw him at a concert and I shouted out," Is that Shane Lopes? You were the most popular guy in my class, but you never wanted to go out with me. Instead it was Amanda Wayne. What are you thinking now? ↗

— Katy Perry

#humor #love #humor

Damn, Marcus, how much have you been working out? You have the ass of a god. He turned to face her, and naturally her gaze fell to his jewels. She shook her head and sighed. You warriors are so fucking hung and I really do need a man. ↗

— Caris Roane

#humor

Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I’d rather not think about – the sex of my guitar, for instance. If I honestly wanted to put my hands on a woman, would that automatically mean I could play? Gretchen’s teacher never told her to think of her piano as a boy. Neither did Lisa’s flute teacher, though in that case the analogy was obvious. On the off chance that sexual desire was all it took, I steered clear of Lisa’s instrument, fearing that I might be labeled a prodigy. ↗

— David Sedaris

#music #humor

From my earliest years I had always wanted to be a writer. It was not that I had any particular message for humanity. I am still plugging away and not the ghost of one so far, so it begins to look as though, unless I suddenly hit mid-season form in my eighties, humanity will remain a message short. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #mission #pg-wodehouse #writing #humor

Miss Granger, you foolish girl, how could you think of tackling a mountain troll on your own? Five points will be taken from Gryffindor for this,” said Professor McGonagall. “I’m very disappointed in you.” Hermione left. Professor McGonagall turned to Harry and Ron. “Well, I still say you were lucky, but not many first years could have taken on a full-grown mountain troll. You each win Gryffindor five points. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor

If you don't have any feelings for Will Darcy, why are you blushing and fixing your hair? ↗

— Elizabeth Eulberg

#darcy #humorous #lizzie #humor