#y

She was my friend because she was kind and funny but she had a face like two oysters fused together in a Star Trek matter transporter accident. ↗

— Andrew S. Hinkinson

#insult #looks #funny

I said, I ain't buyin' no chocolate covered cherries." "Oh, come on. You know you want to." D shook his head like Jack was just too much to be believed. "I do not either want to, and them candies makes me think of my grandmother, so it's real fuckin' weird that you turned 'em inta some kinda sex fantasy, okay? 'Cause then I get all mixed up in my head where I'm in my grandma's livin' room makin' Play-Doh french fries while you suck my dick and that's just ten kinds of wrong. Even I ain't that fucked up." Jack laughed. "Not yet you aren't." He looked at D's face, smiling with him. ↗

— Jane Seville

#funny

Not one word about proposals, no matter how much she pushes,” I told my friends. “No matter what she says or how loud she cries, don’t try to throw that up as a distraction.” Gabriel’s lips twitched. “I don’t think it’s going to be that bad. It’s one woman against five supernatural creatures... And Zeb.” “You laugh because you haven’t heard my mother’s thirty-minute verbal dissertation on appropriate seasonal flower choices. We’re better off letting her yell at us for being dirty, premarital fornicators. ↗

— Molly Harper

#gabriel #jane-jamison #molly-harper #vampire #funny

Lawyers were notorious for finding cases in the most unlikely places, especially ones with huge potential damagers awards. ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#lawyers #funny

There’s a group that calls itself the Sarmy-or Sylar’s Army- and it’s dedicated to the support of my character, and they don’t like it when he’s disparaged. Their slogan is “Every villain needs a legion of evil supporters.” But what’s funny is they do great charity work. It’s never bad to have an army. ↗

— Zachary Quinto

#sylar #sylar-s-army #zachary-quinto #funny

Jocko likes salty, Jocko likes sweet, but never bring Jocko any hot sauce, like with jalapenos, because it makes Jocko squirt funny-smelling stuff out his ears. ↗

— Dean Koontz

#jocko #salty #sweet #funny

And since when is stealing people's possessions the call of God? you are all hypocrites who have suddenly come into power, and you don't know how to handle it ↗

— Dalia Sofer

#funny #insult #septembers-of-shiraz #funny

I took a bite of lobster meat with rice. It was quite tasty. 'Arguing the morality of slaughter will send you into a tailspin of self-loathing every time.' 'Unless you're a vegan.' 'Uh-huh. But then you're a vegan and you don't count. ↗

— Julie Powell

#funny #vegan #food

It’s funny,” she said reflectively, “but I always used to think that if only I was slimmer everything in my life would be all right. I didn’t realize until it happened that it would just open up a whole new set of problems.” ~Maxine ↗

— W. Soliman

#funny

I started to crawl off; then I remembered my leftover pizza, and I peeled off the salami, pepperoni, and anchovies and placed them on the CD tray (whicn no one used these days with flash drives around)on Boone's computer. I hit the close button and watched the smelly part of my delicious dinner slide away. Boone would have a great time wondering 'where's that smell coming from? ↗

— Duffy Brown

#comedy #funny #humor #mystery #pizza