Future Confessions

So I... had an affair with this guy some three years ago. Ugly as fuck, to be honest. Ok I mean, just really unattractive. Our relationship was essentially based on weed. Not that I didn't buy my own. But I would always use with him, just to have someone to smoke with, since I get really anxious when I do. I would smoke loads back then. Then I stopped buying it. 'cause I wanted to stop. But I kept visiting this man's house. We wouldn't have sex anymore, I was having sex with another guy, a friend of his actually. This other guy was kind of nice and really cares about me but I cut him out of my life 'cause he won't have sex with me anymore 'cause he thinks I'm desperate. Which I kind of am. My life is so dull 'cause I have no plans, no projects, no motivation. Aside from weed, I smoke cigarettes and drink, I don't drink too much but yeah, I'm kind of the addictive type you know. Most of all I was addicted, I still am, to these two men. And I'm also anorexic/bulimic, not too thin lately, and I've managed to stop the binging and purging, I'm making progress you know, but still no future, no education... I used to be in university. I was studying philosophy. I was the brightest student in my year, but I was always on drugs and when I started sleeping with these guys I pretty much gave up on everything else. I tried to launch a music career, so to speak. I mean, as I was hurting like a goddamn dog I started composing sad tunes on my guitar. I've been in therapy all my teen and adult life, I'm 23, it's been more than ten years, with different therapists. Maybe I'm gay, maybe I'm bisexual, maybe I'm a random nymphomaniac, narcissistic, shizotypical, borderline fucked up mess with daddy issues and a self-centred attitude and paranoia and bipolar depression and no friends, virtually zero people I trust. I have no idea what I am, it's not like I've been abused and furthermore I got tested and they say I have nothing, I'm just kind of above average intelligence-wise and particularly sensitive, that's what they say. I taught myself how to play piano in ten days and I can do some pretty impressive stuff and bla bla bla yeah I'm showing off. But really I'm just so sad. I dropped out of uni, anyhow. Oh, I said that already didn't I. And I masturbate almost daily but with a sense of disgust even. I don't enjoy any kind of porn anymore, and I don't even enjoy actual sex, I mean, I had a couple of really good fucks with these two guys but yeah who cares. And what kills me is I've been so in love with the second guy but I fucked up because I'm fucked up and now he's gone but it's been three years and I was his first girl so it was bound to happen wasn't it. Why shouldn't he want to be with someone normal who doesn't hit him when he doesn't want to have sex, someone who is not so whiny as I am, so bitter and self-centred and FUCK I wish I could turn back time or I just wish he could DIE sometimes I really do everything except move on with his life leaving me here in my ugly stinky rut. I'm so depressed I've gotten used to it but sometimes I get these glimpses of lucidity and they really hurt.

#life   #sex   #drugs   #weed   #future   #depression   #addiction   #issues  

I was fourteen and in my year there were some good looking guys, a few of them I knew well. One day I am invited to one of their houses and things go pretty quick, we're sitting in the sofa when out of the blue he kissed me and says "I've always wanted to do that since the moment I saw you". At first I'm shocked, I'm openly gay (lucky literally no one cared) and he was the typical 'macho type'. It was even common knowledge he had a girlfriend (although I later found out she was a lesbian and the whole thing was a cover story). I must of stared at him for a good thirty seconds when, just as he was going to get up I kissed him back. His smooth hands climbed my body onto my face. His soft tongue enters my mouth, I have never been so aroused. He lifts his shirt off, I saw his defined abs, arms and pecs. I suddenly became very daring and I sucked his nipple, his husky voice let out a soft moan. Before I know it we're both naked and passionately making out. He says "my bedroom" and he runs up the stairs, his beautiful dark body in front of me. We get to his bedroom and he sits on a desk chair and I kneel it front of him (it wasn't my first time) and I expertly took his 8 inch throbbing dick into my mouth. I go all the way down and then slowly come back up. I pop his dick out of my mouth and then teasingly I licked the slit. I proceeded to lick the length of his dick and then I took a ball sac into my mouth and sucked it out and moved back to the other. He is softly moaning. I then go back down on him and he soon pulls me off as he says "I'm gonna cum". Soon I am laying doggy style on his bed as he is licking me out, it was so hot. He turned me around into a passionate kiss and I could taste my arse juices mixed with the taste of his dick, it was delicious. He then gets lube out of a draw and he sticks a lubed finger in me. The pain was nearly unbearable but soon there were three in my hole stretching me out. He then says "fuck I've got no condoms", at this point I'm to horny to care. He sits back in his desk chair and I begin to straddle him. As I travelled down his shaft the pain was terrible but as soon as he was balls deep it began to subside. I slowly began to rise up and down and then a wave of pleasure chrashed down on me. We were both moaning at the top of our lungs. I began to stroke myself as I get faster and faster and soon he is screaming "I'm cumming!". His beautiful while seed began to fill my insides. My shaft explodes over his big pecs. I lean down and lick it up and we are soon in a cum kiss. I get up and we both go to his shower room, in the shower we are both touching each other and soon we are both rock hard. This time we settle for a 69 on the floor of his shower room. One thing led to another and ten years later I saw him on his knees, a ring in his hand.

#hot