#christmas

What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for? ↗

— Salman Rushdie

#humor #jesus #humor

It's like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane! ↗

— J.B. Stanley

#christmas #humor #murder #pretend #santa

Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning. ↗

— Alan Bradley

#holidays #humor #poison #humor

The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole. ↗

— David Sedaris

#christmas #humor #santa #humor

On Christmas. "Santa Claus represents God on assistance," said Clyde. "Santa Claus is a negative-idealed god, the pagan god of material worship," Leon stated. "Christmas means the rebirth, regeneration. Some people have Christmas every day. The Christmas tree stands up and either the wife trims it or they trim it together with righteous-idealed sexual intercourse. Or the husband prays to God through his Christmas tree and trims his bodily Christmas tree. Christ-mast; the mast of Christ, the upstanding penis—that's what it means to me." "Santa Claus is a good symbolization for Christmas," said Joseph. "Department stores, shopping, the coming of the New Year. Christmas means better business in the stores. ↗

— Milton Rokeach

#psychoanalysis #santa-claus #schizophrenics #through-the-looking-glass #business

I was at the vice president's Christmas party. I thought that his speech was spectacular, and I knew that it was a very emotional and difficult thing for him to do, but I admonished him for not waiting just one more stinking day. ↗

— Bradley Whitford

#cult thing #day #difficult #difficult thing #emotional

Yet as I read the birth stories about Jesus I cannot help but conclude that though the world may be tilted toward the rich and powerful, God is tilted toward the underdog. ↗

— Philip Yancey

#jesus-christ #underdog #christ

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die. ↗

— Craig Ferguson

#change #christmas #death #suicide #change

Men's courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead," said Scrooge. "But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change. ↗

— Charles Dickens

#change

In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future, past, and present, would bring about in him a change to generosity, kindness, and a general warmth toward his fellow man. But this is not that kind of Christmas story, so here, in not too many pages, someone is going to dispatch the miserable son of a bitch with a shovel. That's the spirit of Christmas yet to come in these parts. Ho, ho, ho. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#christmas #humor #murder #change