#comedy

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her. ↗

— Jon Stewart

#political #comedy

I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror. ↗

— Lewis Black

#raving #stand-up-comedy #stark #comedy

The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled. Dang," Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#grandma-mazur #comedy

I sat down on the sofa, surrounded by years of coffee rings and sandwich stains. If the police ever did a DNA test on this sofa, it would be ninety per cent disappointment. ↗

— Danny Wallace

#love #mundane-reality #truth #love

Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones. ↗

— Scott B. Pruden

#humorous-quotes #immaculate-deception #satire #science-fiction #science-fiction-comedy

I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said. ↗

— Dave Matthes

#bastard #booze #comedy #conditioner #crack

Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that. ↗

— Aziz Ansari

#around #audiences #base #because #cheap

Jackass: The Movie is great. I think it's in the tradition of physical comedy, which I'm really interested in. Its relationship to gravity, and how gravity acts on the body. ↗

— Matthew Barney

#body #comedy #gravity #great #how

I certainly love doing comedy and feel most comfortable near it. ↗

— Candice Bergen

#comedy #comfortable #doing #feel #i

Even if you didn't see the movie, you'd see two words you'd never seen put together before - comedy and Muslim. Comedy is friendly - it's the least offensive word in our language. ↗

— Albert Brooks

#comedy #even #friendly #language #least