#d

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#beds #dishes #hate #housework #i

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#enough #figured #happiness #i #i always

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' ↗

— Joan Rivers

#hell #her #house #i #mother-in-law

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#asked #makes #man #mistakes #nineteen

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#die #donate #had #i #much

I was supposed to be the antithesis of Frank. ↗

— Douglas Wilson

#frank #i #supposed

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#cord #cut #dog #dumb #everywhere

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#forgotten #had #i #long #sex

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#birth #daughter #easy #go #had

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#black #dying #friends #i #i always