#d

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#clean #dirty #dry #means #only

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#cocky #dangerous #hands #know #people

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#better #could #i #i wish #league

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#four #get #good #i #like

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#cord #go #hear #hold #i

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#fix #gonna #i #joke #last

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#football #how #like #now #people

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#blackjack #circle #gambling #i #i love

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#eyes #meat #people

I never read a self-help book except for the Bible. ↗

— Jon Heder

#book #except #i #never #read