#do

Just shut up and talk. - Shella ↗

— Krista Alasti

#fantasy #funny #krista-alasti #shifters #taming-shadows

A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it can lift my heavy, elephantine penis off the floor. But before I turn the machine on, I’m going to ask you to stand at least ten feet back, because I wouldn’t want to accidentally impregnate you. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #strange

I invited some friends over for a barbeque and made grilled cheese sandwiches. When they complained that the sandwiches were charred and inedible, I said “That’s pure carbon right there. That’s what we are,” and with that simple statement I recruited seven more members to the Human Rights Are Toast Organization. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #random #funny

I'd rather live my life believing in God to die and see there is one. Because if there isn't one, it means there's no eternal life, therefore I will never know. ↗

— Sandra Chami Kassis

#funny #inspirational #life #religion #wisdom

Is that a rule? Do you have a rule that you can’t kiss people in the morning? ↗

— Holly Hood

#love #love-hurts #funny

You know its funny how freedom can make us feel contained ↗

— Foster the People

#freedom

maybe somebody finally shot the dog. ↗

— Dave Barry

#funny #humor #leonard #funny

(About a cookbook...) - What about this one? Maids of Honor? - Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny-and-random #humor #humorous #retort #satire

Agatha was a woman. All women are mortal. Therefore, Agatha must be dead.” -Orafoura ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#mortal #random #syllogism #funny

That much sexual tension makes me want to hump a phone pole, and that’s just not attractive in a pregnant woman. ↗

— Amy Lane

#sexual-innuendos #funny