#funny

There's a dead guy on our floor," Tom pointed out. "Yeah, that's Beamer, our neighbor." Vik stepped over Tom's bed, and kicked open a drawer beneath the mattress. He swept down and yanked out a bundle of fabric. "Here's your uniform." "There's a dead Beamer on our floor," Tom said again. ↗

— S.J. Kincaid

#funny

I had gotten to a place where I truly believed everything I was called: 'not sexy,' 'not funny,' 'too intense,' desperate.' All those labels they gave me, I took them because there wasn't a trace of my true self left. ↗

— Naomi Watts

#believed #called #desperate #everything #funny

In my opinion, all boyfriends should turn out to be secretly wealthy. ↗

— Claudia Gray

#funny #money #wealth #funny

Truth was funny, because it was an insistent thing, maybe as powerful and insistent as some force of nature, the push of water or wind. You could keep it out only so long, but it had its own will and its own needs, and maybe you could keep it at bay with lies, but not for long, not for always. ↗

— Deb Caletti

#funny

I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis. ↗

— Sierra Dean

#food #funny #humor #vampires #food

Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bad-idea #bath #buffet #dinner #food

Welcome to Arizona, you bastard. ↗

— Nenia Campbell

#arizona #christina #funny #humor #anger

Mom lies down next to me and we both stare at the ceiling in complete silence. “Boys are like candy,” she suddenly says. I grin. “Really, Mom? That’s your advice? Boys are like candy. What is that? Forrest Gump on teens? ↗

— Rucy Ban

#daughter #funny-humor #inspirational #mother #teenage-love

A blanket could be used like Lenny McDenny says hello. He never says hi, because he only says goodbye. He’s always leaving and never arriving. I’m like that too, except I’m always arriving and never leaving. I also eat all the food in your fridge, and never leave when you ask me to. Why would I leave? Good food, good friends, and good food. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

The letters of my name are scrambled like eggs. They should be sunny side up, like Dark Jar Tin Zoo.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dark-jar-tin-zoo #eggs #food #funny #humor