#funny

I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#conversation #funny #human #mouth #weird

I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fame #funny #funny

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #funny

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #genitals #hilarious #humor #naughty

My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health." - City of Bones (said by Jace Wayland) ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#city-of-bones #entertainment #funny #humor #jace-wayland

Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped," he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?" "Frank!" Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it." "Kissed a couple of times," Percy said. Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny #humor #kissing #lol #oh-my-god-percy

Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet." "You'll be just as annoying?" I guessed. He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. "Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals." I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared. "Oh, very funny!" I yelled. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#romance #funny

The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#gender-stereotypes #men-and-women #funny

It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless—you are clueless. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#appearances #clueless #fear #fearless #funny

Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed-- ↗

— Rachel Hawkins

#archer-cross #funny #hex-hall #humor #mercer