#funny

So what I do now is to pre-empt that by making the up into a virtue, and telling funny stories about how crap I am before people have a chance to notice it for themselves and think maybe I haven't realised. ↗

— Emily Mortimer

#am #before #chance #crap #funny

If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. "We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry! ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#christmas #combo-gift #combo-song #funny #gemini

You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone. ↗

— John Madden

#football #funny #goalline #john-madden #running

It was because a great-looking man with no apparent mental defects found her attractive. Imagine feeling so buoyant over something so juvenile. ↗

— Maggie Shayne

#funny

The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready; it goes on because it’s 11:30. ↗

— Lorne Michaels

#humor #management #snl #tina-fey #funny

He was the firstborn Bridgerton of a firstborn Bridgerton of a firstborn Bridgerton eight times over. He had a dynastic responsibility to be fruitful and multiply. ↗

— Julia Quinn

#funny

If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #irish #obedience #funny

Getting money from my dad is a finesse job. Luckily, I have finesse coming out of my arse. I barged into his study without knocking, marched across to his desk, and held out my hand. “Give me twenty pounds,” I snapped. “I need twenty pounds. Give it to me. Now! ↗

— Sarra Manning

#funny

Called her a whore and attacked her walls, tearing down her posters and throwing her books everywhere. I found out because some whitegirl ran up and said, Excuse me, but your stupid roommate is going insane, and I had to bolt upstairs and put him in a headlock. ↗

— Junot Díaz

#insane #outburst #whitegirl #funny

Funny how his two special abilities—taking and giving life—were so opposite, but only the “good” one came with pain. He supposed it made sense; life fucking hurt. ↗

— Larissa Ione

#funny