#funny

(True,) the white hole said. (My name is Khairelikoblepharehglukumeilichephreidosd'enagouni-) and at the same time he went flickering through a pattern of colors that was evidently the visual translation. ↗

— Diane Duane

#funny

Walking down the beach alone at night when my headband flashlight has run out of batteries, and hearing sailors’ cries for help as their boats run up against the rocky coastline, and then getting a ticket from a policeman for improper lighthouse navigation behavior ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny-and-random #lighthouse #shipwreck #funny

Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out! ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny

ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#so-true #funny

I want to do something spontaneous, like combust. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #spontaneity #funny

You can always tell the quality of an author by their cover picture. Bad writers bear an idiotic smile on the inside flap. Great writers take up the entire back cover looking slightly mad, sad, or bored. The very best writers, though, had the superior ability to die before photography was invented. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #writing #funny

Look, a mushroom cloud!” “Releasing fungus on us, huh? Hold your nose. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #nuclear-war #funny

If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to stalk them and show them how committed you really are. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #funny

I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #protest #funny

You are not showing her my baby pictures!” He sounded horrified, which made me laugh. “Come on, Evan,” I teased with a laughing smile, “you were adorable. ↗

— Rebecca Donovan

#baby-pictures #breathing #emma-thomas #evan-mathews #funny