#funny

You are the Energizer Bunny for badasses. -Ash ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#humor #funny

If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #identity #funny

Do you think I’m pretty?” Smitty glanced away from the computer screen he’d been staring at for the last three hours, looked at his sister, and shook his head. “No.” “What do ya mean no?” “You asked. Sorry if you didn’t like the answer. I always thought you were funny lookin’. Asked momma, ‘What is that thing laying in your bed?’ And she said, ‘I found it hiding under a car, you be nice to it now. ↗

— Shelly Laurenston

#smitty #funny

I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#funny #sydney-sage #funny

Do I look like the kind of person who wastes time turning goats into pin cushions? ↗

— L.J. Smith

#sarcasm #funny

How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #personal-growth #funny

I'm Magnus Bane." he went on in a soothing tone, stretching out his ringed hands. Blue sparks had begun to dance between them like bioluminescence dancing water. "I'm the warlock who's here to cure you. Didn't they tell you I was comming?" "I know who you are, but..." Maia looked dazed. "You look so... so... shiny. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#magnus-bane #maia #mortal-instruments #funny

I've never felt so bereft and panicky. What do I do without my phone? How do I function? My hand keeps automatically reaching for my phone in its usual place in my pocket. Every instinct in me wants to text someone, 'OMG, I've lost my phone! ' but how can do that without a bloody phone? ↗

— Sophie Kinsella

#funny

If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#patience #funny

I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#delusional #funny #funny