#funny

It's for upset stomachs," Dylan siad, trying to hide a smile. "It's to reduce gas in your digestive system, not to create gas to make explosions." Gazzy's face fell as Iggy said,"Really? Gazzy, take it! Take the whole thing!" "I second that emotion!" said Total. ↗

— James Patterson

#funny

God is an early bird; satan is a night owl. Everyone knows that. ↗

— Jon Acuff

#funny #god #satan #funny

So the reason I was struck again and again was because of my overwhelmingly positive energy. Funny, I'd always thought of myself as a pessimist. ↗

— Jennifer Bosworth

#energy #funny #irony #lightning #sarcasm

This is Simba," Nicole said, pointing to the lion. "Is he dangerous?" Asked Chase. "Not really. He mauled a trainer, but nothing much. ↗

— Roland Smith

#runners #storm #funny

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #naughty #funny

Now me,” said Mr. Vandemar. “What number am I thinking of?” “I beg your pardon?” “What number am I thinking of?” repeated Mr. Vandemar. “It’s between one and a lot,” he added, helpfully. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#wordplay #funny

Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#drought #funny #humor #funny

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fashion #funny #humor #funny

I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d be just as easy for my clone to pretend to be me as it is for me to pretend to be me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #identity-theft #funny

I'm all skin and whalebone. I like to strut around the house in nothing but a corset. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny