#funny

When trees are blocking your horizon, build a balcony. The sunset will be breathtaking, but not as literally as the stumps. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #trees #funny

Then I say, "Let's go and brush our teeth." So Lola says, "But Charlie, I can't brush my teeth because somebody is using my tooth." "But who would use your toothbrush?" I ask. Lola says "I think that lion. I saw a lion with my toothbrush and now he's brushing his teeth with it." "But it isn't this your toothbrush Lola?" "Oh," says Lola, "he must be using yours. ↗

— Lauren Child

#funny #humor #funny

You see I've been taking these tests to tell when I'm ovulating and when I'm mostfertile. And well...it's now." "Oh, so you came up here for a fuck?" Emma cringed. "Do you always have to be so crude?" He chuckled. "I'm sorry. Would you prefer I call it an afternoon delight?" he teased. ↗

— Katie Ashley

#humor #romance #funny

It looks like Animal and Miss piggy had sex," I said. "And this was the spawn." "My eyes!" Boomer cried. "My eyes! I can't stop seeing it now that you've said it! ↗

— David Levithan

#funny

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth ↗

— J.A. Saare

#humor #humour #funny

Can you be in love with more than one person and only one person at the same time? Yes, if you’re in love with two clones. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #paradox #funny

My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart stood up, brushed itself off, took a deep breath and announced: "I want a spiritual teacher. ↗

— Elizabeth Gilbert

#funny

Agatha’s love had wings like a penguin. Certainly this was a plus in the cold winter months. But our relationship never really took flight. It was grounded like a 747 minus 748. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#love #funny

Where there is no water, there are no fish. Where there are no fish, there are no fishermen. And where there are no fishermen, there may or may not be worms, but there certainly are no men doing the “worm” dance in the open grassy field. I know, because I was the only one doing it, and I just stopped. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fish #fisherman #funny #worm #funny

No one wears buckles anymore, and I decided to get him some real boots next winter solstice.Some sexy guy boots. Yeah. ↗

— Kim Harrison

#funny #rachel #stoned #funny