#funny

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have been fine. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#funny #past #funny

If the law can be broken it will. Anyone who breaks the law is a risk. You can break the law. So you see, I have to take you in for questioning. This produce stand has an ominous future. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #murphy-s-law #funny

As we drove uptown, I spotted a Kmart on a corner,with its familiar red sign.I cleared my throat."Wait. Can we stop for a minute?" "What for?" "Just - I need a few things." He looked irritated, but pulled into a metered space. "We don't really have time to go shopping." I glared at him."yeah, excuse me for being so frivolous. You have your suitcase all packed already; I dont even have clean underwear.I'll be right back. ↗

— L.A. Weatherly

#funny

I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me. ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#funny #twilight #vampire #funny

I’ve always felt that Mimi was a doubly selfish name. It’s all about me, not you, Mimi. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#selfish #funny

Things Isabella Wouldn't Care About: - Titanic sinking again. - Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world's most innocent panda. - Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies. ↗

— Jim Benton

#funny #panda #puppies #titanic #funny

I have a memory like an elephant penis, and it shows. Especially when I wear tight pants. My mind bulges with thoughts of Agatha and I. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #memory #funny

I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset. ↗

— Hannah Harrington

#humor #humour #funny

But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armor. It was gilt by association. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #politics #funny

History is an endless repetition of the element of surprise. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#history #humor #funny