#funny

I've purged myself of worldly goods; half my stuff is either being sold or going to charity. I need to go shopping. ↗

— Christy Leigh Stewart

#funny-and-random #shop #shopaholic #shopping #funny

He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat. ↗

— Adam Rex

#funny

Would you die if I wished hard enough? ↗

— Viral

#gurren-lagann #funny

My friends... ↗

— John McCain

#funny #government #presidents #speech #funny

−Oh, Dios mío. Asher. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Date la vuelta. Es muy guapo, Campbell. ¿Estás montándotelo con mi nieta? −No, señora. −Bueno, pues tienes mi permiso para hacerlo. ↗

— Wendy Wunder

#love #dating

The road to hell isn't paved with gold, it's paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that's backed by a belief that people have faith in other people's belief in it. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dollar #faith #federal-reserve #funny #gold

I have lightning and wind powers," Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'" Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny #humor #powers #the-lost-hero #beauty

I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said. Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse." "I am you Prince and you cannot refuse." "I am your loyal servant and I just did." "Refusal means death." "Kill me then. ↗

— William Goldman

#humor #marriage #death

The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up" "There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly...."My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!" "And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#death-eaters #funny #humor #muggle-born #muggles

The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies. ↗

— Criss Jami

#cookie #cute #faithfulness #funny #god